New Beginnings:-)

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always had. This lesson comes from a former colleague, who now lives and works in Colorado and it rings true in aspects of life, but particularly in the relationship/dating realms of life. 

I am one of those people who subscribes to the belief that the universe has a plan for us and if we're open to that plan we'll draw the right people into our lives at the right times. This doesn't mean that we should wait at home for the universe's plan to appear, because it most certainly won't. But it means that we can extract meaning from life's happenings and encounters if we allow ourselves to do so. This summer while attending the New York Book Expo, Dr. Ali Binazir who is both an author and a contributor to the Huffington Post, sat beside me. Turns out, Dr. Ali took it upon himself to learn the rules of dating and wrote books about that topic--The Tao of Dating. In my universe theory, I'd say that I crossed paths with a self-proclaimed dating expert because perhaps I needed that. (While I'd certainly drawn a quantity of dating candidates, I had not drawn in quite the right one.) That year, there was that I affectionately remembered as Mr. Clean, one that turned out to be married, one that was a criminal defense attorney that helped people involved in domestic violence and theft make it through the criminal justice system, one who attached a 'y' to the end of every word and only spoke baby talk in spite of being almost 40 years old and the list goes on. I had started regarding relationships as an impermanent part of life. Then I sat down and interviewed Dr. Ali on the second floor balcony of a posh New York restaurant and bar. I have to say that Dr. Ali at least planted some seeds of new ideas in my head that I would revisit months later. A few of Dr. Ali's tips that resonated with me were:

1. Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. If you drive down the street, saying 'I don't want to crash,' there's a good chance you'll crash. If you navigate a relationship saying, 'I don't want to f*** this up,' you'll likely 'f*** up. If you say instead, I want this to work, you're putting that message into the universe and have a far greater chance of succeeding.
2. Be your best self. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, not those who deplete you. 
3. Find chemistry with whomever you are with but don't expect fireworks. We often write people off because we don't feel the same amount type of intensity or sparks that we felt with an 'ex.' As Dr. Ali writes, that person is now an 'ex' and perhaps there is a reason for that. 

All of this just sort of rested in the back of my mind, even as I encountered more dating bloopers. And then, on a Saturday night after I finished a long shift at the radio station, I agreed to accompany my friend to a blues concert in San Francisco. I remember I was coming down with a cold that day, not quite feeling my usual chipper self, but I decided that I should go anyways. Earlier that evening, while having a snack at the diner, I got scolded by the dishwasher for ordering a sandwich for a homeless man who said he had HIV. The dishwasher explained, 'if today I buy a sandwich for the man, someone else will do it tomorrow and it will continue.' I couldn't see the problem in that. While drinking some vino and watching the band, some guy ended up sitting beside me to order a drink. We talked for a few minutes about the band and exchanged cards, but I thought nothing of the chance encounter. A few days later, the guy, who for the sake of this piece, I'll call Hank, got in touch with me via facebook. I would have missed Hank altogether if he hadn't sat beside me and then reached out. We had a facebook conversation for the next several days and finally set up a day to go to dinner. I wasn't feeling nervous or apprehensive, just normal...if there is such a thing as normal. When I arrived at the restaurant just two blocks from my ex's apartment, I walked right by Hank, without even knowing it. We had a delicious dinner, a few margaritas and then went to his friend's apartment to check on the cat that he was taking care of. I presumed this was the polite bookend to the evening and was almost set to leave when Hank suggested that we instead go back out for a while. We worked our way down to a hooka bar and sat chatting until the place closed down. By the end of the night, I was pretty sure that I liked Hank. He was different than all of the others that had crossed my path--funny, laid-back, self assured, honest, direct, smart, and he was unapologetically himself. I hung out with him again, then again. We're still in that awkward space where we talk about just about everything in life except out relationship. You know...that stage when you're both guessing what the other is thinking or feeling, when you're figuring out if you think of each other as official significant others or if only one of you does, the part where you don't want to jeapordize the rhythm that is naturally being established by defining things prematurely, but the part in which every step of the journey feels important. Nevertheless, Hank inspired me to take Dr. Ali's book out, so that I can focus on what I want as opposed to the opposite, so that I can remind myself to be the best I can be while I enjoy the company of a man who represents everything I would have aspired to find in a significant other, a man who crossed my path when I indeed was not looking. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I suggest reading Dr. Ali Benazir's 'The Tao of Dating.' If you find that your stuck in particular patterns, I ask that you think about this lesson: 'If you always have, what you've always had, you'll always have what you always have.' The counter part to that is, of course, if you change things up, you'll draw new people, experiences and insight into your life. As always, life is what happens when you are making other plans. 
Posted by Sharon K. Sobotta at 10/19/2010 4:27 AM
Categories: uncategorized
 

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