BE THE CHANGE

New Beginnings:-)

Sharon K. Sobotta — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 11:27:50 GMT

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always had. This lesson comes from a former colleague, who now lives and works in Colorado and it rings true in aspects of life, but particularly in the relationship/dating realms of life.

I am one of those people who subscribes to the belief that the universe has a plan for us and if we're open to that plan we'll draw the right people into our lives at the right times. This doesn't mean that we should wait at home for the universe's plan to appear, because it most certainly won't. But it means that we can extract meaning from life's happenings and encounters if we allow ourselves to do so. This summer while attending the New York Book Expo, Dr. Ali Binazir who is both an author and a contributor to the Huffington Post, sat beside me. Turns out, Dr. Ali took it upon himself to learn the rules of dating and wrote books about that topic--The Tao of Dating. In my universe theory, I'd say that I crossed paths with a self-proclaimed dating expert because perhaps I needed that. (While I'd certainly drawn a quantity of dating candidates, I had not drawn in quite the right one.) That year, there was that I affectionately remembered as Mr. Clean, one that turned out to be married, one that was a criminal defense attorney that helped people involved in domestic violence and theft make it through the criminal justice system, one who attached a 'y' to the end of every word and only spoke baby talk in spite of being almost 40 years old and the list goes on. I had started regarding relationships as an impermanent part of life. Then I sat down and interviewed Dr. Ali on the second floor balcony of a posh New York restaurant and bar. I have to say that Dr. Ali at least planted some seeds of new ideas in my head that I would revisit months later. A few of Dr. Ali's tips that resonated with me were:

1. Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. If you drive down the street, saying 'I don't want to crash,' there's a good chance you'll crash. If you navigate a relationship saying, 'I don't want to f*** this up,' you'll likely 'f*** up. If you say instead, I want this to work, you're putting that message into the universe and have a far greater chance of succeeding.

2. Be your best self. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, not those who deplete you.

3. Find chemistry with whomever you are with but don't expect fireworks. We often write people off because we don't feel the same amount type of intensity or sparks that we felt with an 'ex.' As Dr. Ali writes, that person is now an 'ex' and perhaps there is a reason for that.

All of this just sort of rested in the back of my mind, even as I encountered more dating bloopers. And then, on a Saturday night after I finished a long shift at the radio station, I agreed to accompany my friend to a blues concert in San Francisco. I remember I was coming down with a cold that day, not quite feeling my usual chipper self, but I decided that I should go anyways. Earlier that evening, while having a snack at the diner, I got scolded by the dishwasher for ordering a sandwich for a homeless man who said he had HIV. The dishwasher explained, 'if today I buy a sandwich for the man, someone else will do it tomorrow and it will continue.' I couldn't see the problem in that. While drinking some vino and watching the band, some guy ended up sitting beside me to order a drink. We talked for a few minutes about the band and exchanged cards, but I thought nothing of the chance encounter. A few days later, the guy, who for the sake of this piece, I'll call Hank, got in touch with me via facebook. I would have missed Hank altogether if he hadn't sat beside me and then reached out. We had a facebook conversation for the next several days and finally set up a day to go to dinner. I wasn't feeling nervous or apprehensive, just normal...if there is such a thing as normal. When I arrived at the restaurant just two blocks from my ex's apartment, I walked right by Hank, without even knowing it. We had a delicious dinner, a few margaritas and then went to his friend's apartment to check on the cat that he was taking care of. I presumed this was the polite bookend to the evening and was almost set to leave when Hank suggested that we instead go back out for a while. We worked our way down to a hooka bar and sat chatting until the place closed down. By the end of the night, I was pretty sure that I liked Hank. He was different than all of the others that had crossed my path--funny, laid-back, self assured, honest, direct, smart, and he was unapologetically himself. I hung out with him again, then again. We're still in that awkward space where we talk about just about everything in life except out relationship. You know...that stage when you're both guessing what the other is thinking or feeling, when you're figuring out if you think of each other as official significant others or if only one of you does, the part where you don't want to jeapordize the rhythm that is naturally being established by defining things prematurely, but the part in which every step of the journey feels important. Nevertheless, Hank inspired me to take Dr. Ali's book out, so that I can focus on what I want as opposed to the opposite, so that I can remind myself to be the best I can be while I enjoy the company of a man who represents everything I would have aspired to find in a significant other, a man who crossed my path when I indeed was not looking. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I suggest reading Dr. Ali Benazir's 'The Tao of Dating.' If you find that your stuck in particular patterns, I ask that you think about this lesson: 'If you always have, what you've always had, you'll always have what you always have.' The counter part to that is, of course, if you change things up, you'll draw new people, experiences and insight into your life. As always, life is what happens when you are making other plans.

Lesson 4: Step out of your comfort zone. Most dreams cannot be realized and actualized inside our comfort zones.

Sharon K. Sobotta — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 22:30:00 GMT

When I think comfort zone, I think the familiar, or the routine. I see stepping out of this little zone as experiencing something new, preferably uncomfortable, challenging, stimulating; something that forces you to tap into areas of your mind that you didn’t know exist, or push your existing skills past their formerly perceived limits. It is not so much being in this uncomfortable zone that I feel has been most beneficial for me, but the reflection felt afterwards. Sometimes the experience ends well, sometimes it doesn’t, but the important thing is that, in essence, we’ve expanded our comfort zones, and with this growth I feel we see the greatest ‘maturation’, experience, and preparation to handle challenges that will require us to close eyes and jump.

I took a theatre course first semester last year for a performance requirement. I had no previous acting experience, or doing any kind of performance where I’d be looking at my audience members in the face while performing something ridiculous. Long story short, I created a character named Blade, an insolent, egotistical gay bodybuilder. The character was such a hit, the class decided to create a story around the crazy guy. The setting: a gay wedding. I never really thought about performing Blade. He was more there for me to laugh at then anything. So I had to play this guy, and the closing scene, which I came up with, involved me pulling my gay bride by his stressed shoulders following the dream wedding’s unfortunate wreckage at the hands of intolerant attendees, grabbing him by his tear drenched face and staring into his sparkling eyes for a good five seconds and telling him “We love each other, isn’t that all that matters”. I get very aggravated when people don’t do what is necessary simply because it’s weird, awkward, or uncomfortable, so to answer your question of why I put myself through that ending, that is why.

It was hard not to laugh. It was highly embarrassing. The crowd thought I was about to make out with a guy. There were ‘whats!?’, ‘no’s’, yes’, and sighs from the crowd at the moment. And that reaction was precisely what I was going after so I was satisfied. The benefit? The crowd enjoyed the show, and my tolerance for embarrassment, awkward feelings, and nervousness, among has dramatically increased. All for a requirement. FunFun.

jcagon

Lesson # 2 Embrace the art of vulnerability as a spiritual practice

Sharon K. Sobotta — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 16:16:12 GMT

We are defined by our exposure to life’s experiences. Resistance lessens our availability to the world. By accepting and embracing our vulnerabilities we allow ourselves to grow.

I have found the most positive change in myself has come from merely existing during a profoundly depressed period in my life. I wanted nothing more than to escape seemingly permanent pain. During the loneliest and most frightening time in my life, I naturally turned to friends and family for help. I slowly began to realize that if I was going to move forward, I would need to look within for comfort and strength. The ultimate vulnerability: faith in oneself. Sooner than I thought possible, I was feeding on my vulnerability. Scary to think what might have happened had I truly given up. Instead, I turned weakness into the building blocks of newly found confidence, love and appreciation of life. My life.

Yalanda

Lesson 1: Strive to always live with integrity

Sharon K. Sobotta — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 16:14:00 GMT

In my most recent relationship, I lost almost completely who I was. I was out there enjoying my life, to the fullest extent I knew how at the time. I was partying. I invited myself to go to a play with a boy I didn’t know. He didn’t have anyone else to take so he accepted my offer. We hit it off, which may be an understatement. We had similar ideas about life, love and what where we were going. That night turned into a two-year courtship during which, I forgot what it meant to have my own life independent of another person. He and his family questioned me about my religious, political, sexual, and moral beliefs often. I thought I knew all the answers, but I found myself second-guessing every answer I gave, always wondering if I truly believed in the debate I was having or if I was just putting up defenses against their unknowing attacks on my identity.

After the relationship ended I naturally turned to my closest friends and family with the question, why? Why wasn’t I good enough? Of course, it wasn’t a matter of whether or not I was good enough. But their answers were strikingly similar…”You let him decide for you”, “You weren’t even being yourself”, and “It’s like you forgot who you are”.

After a year of reflection and rebuilding, I know that it wasn’t his entire fault. I let myself be taken down because I wasn’t fully sure of myself. What I learned is to never let anyone allow you to question what you stand for, never let anyone make you feel that you are not good enough or that your opinion doesn’t matter, and never fall in love with someone who is not going to stand by your side. What I know I do stand for is this: Be as honest as you can stomach, communicate whole heartedly, have passion for what you do, surround yourself with positive energy, let go of resentment and believe in love, life, fate, strength, timing and happiness.

Yalanda

Lesson 3: "Engage in activities you are passionate about".

Sharon K. Sobotta — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 22:37:00 GMT

I was checking out the candidates for Oprah’s “Own Your Own TV show on OWN” contest the other day and there was a little link posted on the side that caught my attention. It said “Happiness Test!”

I love these kinds of things. Most of them I find pointless, but who knows, it’s one of OPRAH’s favorites after all. So, I took the test. The test states a positive statement, and then asks you to choose which option most accurately describes where you’re at in accordance to that statement. For instance, “I know who I am, and I like myself. Not true, rarely true, sometimes true, mostly true, very true”. I scored a 66, the second highest out of a hierarchy of four, apparently meaning “I’m getting there”. I found the test itself entertaining, but useless for a couple reasons. I think surveys in general have a fatal dependency on an individual to be honest with his/herself and/or know their exact feelings on matters, especially pertaining to themselves. Second, the scoring and what it tells about your happy level and such I feel are stupid. ANYWAY, there were, however, some interesting follow-up articles about ten of these statements written by an ambitious doctor pursuing the laudable quest of understanding the most sought after state of being in human existence.

As I scrolled through, the phrase that was got me thinking was what I thought to be the crux of his happy spiel: “You need to recognize the difference between chasing happiness and choosing happiness”. A wise man once told me that a man is a product of his choices. It’s a motto I love and keep in my mind frequently, but I never thought of happiness in this way! Choose to be happy!? Hm.

A little light bulb went off in my head. I’d always considered myself an avid supporter of human beings giving themselves the liberty to do something that they love for a living. I realized in my own experience however, that I have a tendency to imprison my simple, beautiful, authentic dreams in complex, idealized thoughts and plans. So rather than doing the thing, I’m sitting there thinking about how I want to do the thing. Suddenly that the thing turns into an entirely different thing which is not the thing I love doing, but an entirely different thing leading to confusion and depression at the fact that my gut feeling could possibly be wrong, which I eventually find is actually right, just clouded by the nonsense of not actually doing the thing. I then naturally return to the original thing I love again because it is, in its purest form, that thing! Follow me? Long story short, ENGAGE in the activities you are passionate about.

Here’s the link by the way: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/The-Happiness-Test

Have fun.

jcagon

Lesson 2: “Embrace the art of vulnerability as a spiritual practice. Letting yourself be vulnerable gives you the strength to take risks and follow your heart.”

Sharon K. Sobotta — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 06:52:00 GMT

Yesterday I had an hour of memorable vulnerability. I’d been physically exhausted from overtraining, sore all over, mentally exhausted from using my brain all day, and coming down with some sort of cold. I was fresh off battlefield. Peculiarly, friends of mine, who have no connection with each other, had been raving about a miracle which had recently helped them relieve the stresses of their lives. As if the voices of fate weren’t loud enough, my father had a coupon for a test trial.

I wasn’t too fond of the idea to be honest. The image putting your face into this head rest with a big hole in the middle of it while a big man with large gripping hands rubs oil all over your completely exposed and war torn body whilst proceeding with assorted ancient feel good techniques did not seem that inviting to me. It’s walking to your funeral really. You’re wounded, vulnerable, and unable to defend yourself. Now you very intelligently, too exhausted to think of any consequences, imprudently stroll into this big strong man’s domain, his kingdom, his arena, his dominion, his EMPIRE of pleasant smelling aromas and exotic decorations, lie face down, and allow him to proceed doing who knows what with you. It’s like the wounded Beast lying on Gaston’s doorstep asking him to rub antibiotics on his fresh wounds. He could just shove his thumb a bit far, a bit too fast into your trapezius and snap it, and then bury you to hide the evidence. Or he could heat that towel a bit too hot, grab you by your hair, and smother it all over until you melt. Or he could be giving you the best massage you’ve ever had, starting up high rubbing the shoulder blades down the oiled middle back with both hands, rubbing the lats, wrapping both hands around rib cage using the thumbs slowly making his way down your spine till it reaches your lower back…

“How’s the pressure?”

“Eh, take a little off it please.”

“NO.”

CRACK! He crushes your spine between his fingers and uses your various parts of your body as secret ingredients for his new body oil and perfume line.

I’m kidding. The first massage I’d ever received was wonderful. I felt like I had a new pair of legs and I might even learn Tai Chi now. I even learned more about my own sport on that day. That is, that many of us as athletes underestimate the importance of flexibility! Long story short, I’ve learned the need stretch more. When it comes to vulnerability, I find it’s a must, especially for many of the finer things in life we all wish for in the deepest depth of our souls. Could it hurt? Yes. Does it involve emotional attachment and trust? Probably. What about the potential of looking like an absolute fool? Yes. The remedy? Warm up and stretch, for “The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.”

jcagon

"No matter here you go or what you pursue, strive to aways live with integrity."

Sharon K. Sobotta — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 16:00:00 GMT

I define integrity as the consistent adherence to the moral and ethical code which one believes to be right. Integrity is an encompassing word, often connoting honesty, bravery, reliability, responsibility… the list goes on. I want to discuss a little maxim that has most likely been rung into your ear time and time again, and contains what I believe to be the essence of personal integrity: “Do your best.” In some shape or form, we often hold somewhat of an arrogant view on familiar sayings regarding such a cliché; we simply disregard them. So I’ll add another integral part (get it?) to make it more interesting and less cliché for you and me: “Do your best to be your best”. By best I mean you. So do “Your you to be your you.” Make sense? I will give a quick example. Captain Jack Sparrow is best at not being Jason Bourne, but at being Captain Jack Sparrow. There is no other way. Captain Jack Sparrow in any other way, shape, or form is unthinkable. Story time.

I met an ambitious young woman for the first time the other day at work. We’d been assigned to the same project with another young fellow, so I decided to invite them both to my house for dinner to “break the ice”. For the sake of length and time, we shall only discuss the young woman. This young woman was neatly put together, a straining effort to be so. Every movement from the self conscientious, but perfectly measured stride walk to her annunciate-every- syllable manner of speaking was programmed to perform her most entertaining view of human perfection. She even ate her sandwich, folded her napkins, and smiled at, of course, the “appropriate” moments, with an air of attempted robotic professionalism. You get the picture. Not to say she was materialistic, haughty, or “plastic”, but excruciatingly apathetic and Queen Elizabeth proper given the setting and nature of the creative project at hand. I laughed at her a lot.

As you may have been able to figure out, I love this woman dearly, and if she were to ever read this would laugh along with you and proceed with an equally comical description of her first impression of me (I have told her of this first impression, but not that I have written about it). Our project nevertheless, was well received, but only AFTER the palpitations and unnecessary concern over projecting a certain image that comes with meeting a person for the first time.

I’ve found in my life experience that the sooner I am myself in any given situation, the sooner good things happen to me and everybody else around me. The lesson is that integrity and truthfulness, I find, is rarely applied to our interpersonal relations, but mostly to our work. Frankly, I’ve found authentic personal relations are imperative to my most successful, enjoyable work. If there is authenticity, integrity, to our relations then it is these relationships that push you, set you straight without fear of hurting your feelings, and support you. The only way these types of relationships have evolved in my life, are by first, figuring myself out. Even if interaction starts out rocky, like the story above, if you are yourself everybody’ll eventually come around to a gorgeous, authentic friendship, or you’ll save time, learning quickly to avoid each other like the plague. Like falling dominoes, as you do your best to be your best where f(best)= you, your best gets better, you get better friends, better relationships, and better at stuff, better at life because its foundation is true! It’s you! I have found, in short, that integrity begins with you. When you solve for you, then lovely personal relationships evolve. Soon after, I discover that everything you touch begins to permeate authenticity, creativity, and brilliance! Even if no one but you and your friends think so. This is my first blog and I shall be back with more on the humdrum which is my life. INTEGRITY! Love you all. Peacepeace.

jcagon

Lesson Number One

Sharon K. Sobotta — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 08:29:00 GMT

No matter where you go or what you pursue, strive to always live with integrity. Never lose track of who you are or what you stand for.

Author: Kristine R. McCracken

Beautifully colored skin, gorgeous dark eyes and fingers stretched wide across an instrument that is new to my vocabulary; the image of Anoushka Shankar represents the true icon of individuality. Like Anoushka we all have a story of our own. From the very beginning we strive to create our mark in the world, establish our identity, and in some way, break away from the other seven billion.

When you take a step back and look at the bigger picture life passes as quickly as the breeze on a stormy day. We all have a place in the world but sooner or later we will move on to a better life, our name will slowly be forgotten, our worth will be meaningless and the surrounding world will continue on without us. It may sound dismal but I think this lesson makes us truly think about our individual meaning and purpose in our life.

Being a twenty-something I am still trying to define my identity. I no longer categorize myself by the group of friends that I hang out with or the lunch table that I sit at. Nineteen years and 10 months later I am finally beginning to see the real me shine through. Everyone faces struggles. Life is a rollercoaster. But, if we stick to the words of Anoushka; accept our story, view life as a journey full of surprises, love and share life with others, and live out our inner self, our life will be overflowing with purpose and meaning.

Now it is your mission to share your story with others. Be proud of who you are, where you are from and who you are becoming each and every day. Take life as it comes and persevere through challenges. Right now my prayers go out to a family friend who is battling with cancer. A beautiful woman on the outside with body filled with intoxication. The truth is, is that we are all decaying. The sad reality is, is that it takes moments of longing and despair to figure out the person that lies inside of us. Don't let it take life's downward spiral for you to finally realize how precious life is. I know it sounds so cliché but live out each and every second like it's your last and view life as a journey. Do not loose sight of your identity and stay true to your inner self.

Live with Integrity

Sharon K. Sobotta — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 04:23:00 GMT

Serendipitous Encounters–A Chat with Jon Regen

June 6th, 2010

I arrived at JFK International Airport just before midnight on Sunday morning. The familiar feel of humid summer air, the rows and rows of taxis and the sounds of honking horns were music to my soul and affirmed the fact that I had arrived in New York City. Alex, my brother-like- friend who came into my life at Saitama High School right outside of Tokyo after we each received Kikkoman Soy Sauce Scholarships more than a decade earlier, was waiting outside for me. As we began driving toward Long Island in the wee hours of the morning, I couldn’t help feeling a little guilty about accepting my friend’s hospitality at such a late/early hour of the day and even questioning if it was the “right” decision to leave the city. True to my writer’s mantra, it was of course ‘right’ and better than anything I could have planned.

After a few rounds of drinks and a case of the late night munchies, I retreated to my loft just before 4:30am. Several hours later, we grabbed breakfast at a diner and were en route to Sparkling Point Vineyard more than an hour away. Alex’s friend, who is a Steinway Piano sales rep, had organized a special event where a jazz pianist and singer named Jon Regen was playing. I’ll admit that while I’ve slowly come to acquire a taste for jazz, I was much more excited about sipping vino with friends than I was about hearing the musician. But, while sitting outside the perfectly green winery, sipping on champagne, I couldn’t’ help but tune into the music that set the ambiance. There was something charming about the music that Jon Regen was playing and singing, prompting me to purchase one of his cds. I would have been happy just to purchase a cd and give it away as a gift, but the wine servers searched for a pen and insisted I get Jon’s autograph. Since Jon was done playing for the day, I decided to squeeze in a quick interview with him. Struggling to hold back his Bronchitus-induced cough, Jon shared his story.

Turns out, the now 40-year old musician took up singing only seven years earlier, when he noticed that conventional jazz just didn’t capture his experience as a man, as a hopeless romantic or as an artist.

“It’s pretty amazing to be able to capture the human experience in a three minute song,” Jon said.

“And, what is it that inspires the content of the songs?” I began asking. But before I could finish the question, Jon responded.

“Girls,” he said with a smile.

Jon described how the imperfections of relationships, combined with the strain his traveling musician career puts on relationships, inspires his song writing. As a serial dater, who compares men to shoes (I love both men and shoes, but have yet to find one of either that goes with all aspects of life) and have come to embrace relationships as the inspiration for writing projects and trips around the world to pursue random journalism projects, attend weddings of commitment-prone friends and continue to gather more stories, I found Jon to be a person of my own heart. I took Jon’s cds back to my tiny room in the Paramount hotel in New York City that I shared with my parents. And, the rest, as they say, is history. I’ve been in a serious relationship with Jon’s music ever since. True to Jon’s words, each of his songs is a musical story about a phase of love—the beginning, the end, the starting over phase, the forgetting and moving on part and the longing part—that anyone whose ever experienced a relationship or a heartbreak can connect with. To get a sense of who the man behind the music is, listen to Jon’s interview.

http://media18.podbean.com/pb/1a45c59d2742961d6280cf071c8b810f/4c0f16f7/blogs18/266201/uploads/JonRegen1.mp3

Welcome

Sharon K. Sobotta — Tue, 25 May 2010 09:37:11 GMT

As Intercultural Encounters busily prepares to release its next book,'The Rhythm of Change: 100 Ways to Make Your World a Better Place.,' we are asking everyone to reflect on Ghandi's phrase, that we must 'be the change, we wish to see in the world.' To that end, we are applying a lesson a day to lives and documenting our journey to see what we are able to accomplish. We'd love for you to follow along or even get your own book and join the cause.